This must be the worst day of my life..

First the result came out and it didn't fare well at all. I know I'm not the top student, but my result just cant be that bad rite? I'm sick of this....

To make things worst... I finally saw him, the inevitable truth that I tried to run away and tell myself it's not still, giving false hope to myself all these while that there's still chance...
But today says it all... the truth is right before my eyes when I sat down on the very table in Old Town and turn left....She is there... He is there too... They are there... Ohh the pain...

The pain of both the extreme events.... I cant take it.. I cant bare it... I want to leave... but i've already ordered... Damn!

Even the aircon above me despises me... dripping on my head the cold and chilly drops of water..

The hell with migraine and the irritable itchiness around my body... This is the worst... worst feeling that I have ever felt...........

Lee Hom's concert was awesome :) his the best la.. the perfect guy that i could never ever be la... His just too keng d la... God must have really loved me to have blessed him so abundantly in all areas.

I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why are you sick again..?
why did you not take good care of yourself..?
why are you overstressed again..?
why are you constantly sad about the same thing..?
do you know it that you are a fragile little princess..
that i will feel useless if your sick..
do you know it that seeing your troubled face..
that i will feel the pain inside when your sad..

Please take good care of yourself.. Please do...
Don't make me worried..

Pain............ Pain............ Full of Pain.......................

I hate this feeling, but it refuses to go away,
My heart wants to be with people, but my mind is asking me to be isolated,
My heart wants me to laugh like always, but my mind preferred me being emo,
My heart wants to go talk to her, but my mind is stopping me,
My heart longs for company, but my mind keeping me away,
I am not myself... Not my usual self at least,
My mind thinks its the right thing to react; while my heart cries out in pain,
My mind dominates my action; contradicting my heart's every desire,
My mind is getting irrational ; my hear is feeling the consequences,
I hate this new self... I hate this self, not my usual self.
I want to change, I want to be free, I want to laugh again...
Is that too much too ask for?

I'm emo, and I'm jealous too...
Sour feeling, unable to express..
Lost my car keys during exam...
I'm turning psycho as many have said... psycho...
Soon.. time is running fast...

i told her today... released i felt... relieved i am...
no more insomnia, no more nightmares, i hope.

Joann is a mean mean girl...
And I missed 3 close close people to my heart...
Missing people can sometimes be very painful ... especially 1 particular one amongst them..

FAT

I'm fat... I'M FAT... everyday i'm being reminded of this fact by my mom....
Cook breakfast .. "So fat still eat breakfast?"
Open fridge.. "Still find things to eat ah so fat"
Eat lunch.. "So fat eat somemore.."
Come back from college "Sei Fei Lou"
Sit down and watch tv "Fei Lou"
Finish my performance and first thing i heard "Your so fat on stage"

Sigh... I super sick of this la...super sick...

Thanks so much for the emo background! You know who you are XD hehe

Wee wee!!!

And so it continues..

Heck, now I cant even express in this blog whenever I wanted to since the lightning just adores frying up my modem in a monthly basis...

Life as a Teddy

Life is cruel... Being a teddy ain't always a bright and shiny day at the beach either..
I've realized by being fluffy, soft and exposed to would only result in being vulnerable to everything. Unfortunately, the world ain't treating me that decent lately as bad things keep poping up one after another.. no kidding... really one after another..
Show finally over... at the end of each show... normally performers will be going out to interact with their friends, family etc that came to support them...
There performers get congratulated, hugs, flowers, etc etc la.... (normally)
Something which I have yet to experienced after so many shows i've performed in... well maybe its the fact that nobody came to see me... yeah maybe that's it.. hehe
Oh yeah, the last show which mom, dad and bro came... it is not the same feeling compared to your friends coming to support but at least it is something... and all I got was a "You are fat!" by my mom the minute she saw me... That kinda make you wanna move further away from her you know? And so it was just the same as other shows when nobody came.. hehe oh welll... its okay la..

So before I could taste the satisfaction of a show well done... I got a call from mom and she told me "I forgot to pull out the phone line and the modem is fried (again) by lightning, only this time its way better, my desktop was fried along in the process too..." great.....

I couldn't really handle anymore negative things... I just cant bare to think of it either... I went home, and went straight to bed ignoring everything in life for the night (8pm)... since all about life at this point is just bad... tmr hafta go college and complete 2 more group assignment... I don't care anymore... I don't want to care about anything anymore...
I'm at the verge of giving up now..

Live also live long enough d la,
Love also experienced and failed,
Academics is nothing short of a failure,
Social life? Betrayal and Deceitful life more like,
Dream? Perform on stage oso performed d la, but at the end still empty inside wan,
Time is ticking la... should I give up?
I don't see any reason why I shouldn't...

Drama and Dilemma

Show time for Buatan Malaysia has finally come, tmr to be exact...
But why cant I feel the excitement anymore?
I used to remember having this sensation everytime when show is nearing,
A subtle yet sensible chill running down my spin,
That feeling as people said is like when your high..
Where is that sensation now?

The thing is only after our tech rehearsals tonite, only I realized a large amount of members will be quiting after the show. In fact, the whole chunk of them will be leaving.
Not because of moving on with life or studies and commitments with work mind you.
If those were the reasons I wouldn't be so bothered by it since its natural..
But this time, its something else...
Personal conflict..
I've never been the most popular around, nor am I the fella whose kepo enough to get to know everybody's tales...
It seems that a certain group of members are bullying this group of members from what I heard?
And the "victim" group had enough and no longer feel the joy in singing anymore,
God I hate it when this kinda things happen... Especially if your dream shattered by the actions of people around you..
Your burning fire, radiant passion, your soon to be future just push down by the actions of men...
I cant blame these people, I sometimes felt that too..
Its not because I'm not strong in keeping my dream,
Or I'm not taking my dream seriously thus its easily swayed,
But sometimes, the people around you can really affect you wan lo...
Its a long term thing... Cant happen overnight.. (if its overnight and u had enough than you suck because your NOT taking your dream seriously)
But these bunch of soon to be quiters, they are the talented and fully dedicated bunch!
Man some of them even composed a whole original piece of SATB at the age of 15 okay!
And some people just gotta ruin their future, not directly la ofcouse..
But than again, i'm just hearing one side of the story... I cant really do much anyways except for feeling for and with them...
Life sucks right... Yea they do.

Fakeness of the World

The world can be so fake at times...
Every minute and second, almost everybody is constantly faking in one way or another,
I saw them today, they were so fake in their every action,
Every smile, conversation, initiation, every thank you, sorry are all so fake to me,
I've never imagine living with it for so long and yet still thinking it is real,
I used to think that I'm blessed wherever I am... In college, in my social circle, in choir...
But the more I live my life, I begin to feel like I was the only idiot that's trying to be sincere and honest all my life... When in actual fact, most people around me are just plain fakes, mostly.

Maybe its time I'd hafta be fake too... I should stop being the idiot that thinks "As long as your sincere, others will..." or the "Do to others what you want others to do to you" crap...
Period...

Simply Insulting!

Most hated sentence of the day: "Give me free ticket, then I'll come la!"

You work so hard, put so much effort, and spend all the time to put up a show.
Ofcoz you would want to be appreciated of your work of art rite?
And there you have 85% of the people in your social circle responded as above.
You know, its not a joke for people like us lo... Its completely sarcastic, insulting and disrespectful...

I understand the fact that not everyone in the world would fancy artsy fartsy stuff, some would even think its an act of disgrace to mankind... And I'm not forcing you to come and like it mind you. So I am completely fine if performance ain't you cup of tea.
If you are not interested in the performance, a simple "No thanks would suffice"

The fact that you are saying "Give me free ticket only I'll come" simply tells me you couldn't be bothered with the whole show, its more like if I could watch for free, than I'll come la... If the performance ain't worth shit to you, don't respond that way.
Imagine you worked your ass out in completing something you are proud of and wanted to share with the people around you, and someone telling you :"You pay me la, than I will see your work!" Its an insult okay! An INSULT!

I would even feel much happier if your respond would be "Your performance suck! Even if I had the money I wouldn't time, I have better things to do" .

So please, if you don't care, than just say no. Because if I hear the same phrase used in the future, I will ignore you! And that I assure you!

Dog eat Dog world....

Betrayed, Exploited and Used..
That's what I'm feeling right now...
I've learn something and realize something in college today,
That it is really what people always say,
"Its a dog eat dog world out there"
The moment you try to be kind and nice and give way,
People will pounce on you and take advantage,
Suck out of whatever they need from you,
They toss you aside like some rotten reject,
Take your strength, refuse to aid you with your weakness.
Such is life. Friends, what is friends?
After all you've done for them, all you get is just hurt, betrayal, lies, pain.
Now I know.

Just when me, Angel and Eve were so excited after discussing plans of going to Carcosa on Eve's bday since I have 2 free vouchers for it after singing there last year. Came home and found out that mom has gave it away without my knowing. What the..........

I've already have lil opportunity to socialize and finally we found something that we are all excited about and this hafta happen.... I mean give me 5 freaking reasons why shouldn't I be complaining about how sucky my life is? And its only getting suckier and suckier...

Why on earth cant they have more pianist in church serving in the worship team... its like only 3 pianist and sometimes there's no flexibility if u have emergency which would require you to swap duties for that week...

Why on earth do 2 of the most important thing in my life hafta clash so badly at the exact time always? Must I resolved to relive the previous experience of choosing either one... and completely dropping the other?

Why cant I just serve God and pursue my dream at the same time?

Great, not only does my choir members is starting to get annoyed with my absence due to church commitments, now I guess church people are starting to get frustrated with me always putting choir as priority as they see it.... I'm not prioritizing either side, both are similarly important to me, but why do I have to be put in a position to choose one.

Life sucks really, just when you think you're doing wonderful, and everythin is working out... somethings just gonna mess up everything!

Friends?

Sometimes you need a certain event to know what your friends are...

Scenario 1
Jack "Hey wanna come watch my performance?"
Friends "Wow, your performance? You have free tickets?"
Jack "No la, you'll hafta buy la, its only 25bucks wad.."
Friends turn and walk away...

Scenario 2
Friends "Hey The Actor Studio closed down already rite?"
Jack "Yup, we performed in the closing concerts wad... its a free show"
Friends "Free show? What la, why didn't tell us, and you call yourself a friend."
Jack "..."
Friends "Next time any free tickets, must tell us la!"

Scenario 3
Jack holding out tickets for show.
Friends "Hey Jack, what are those?"
Jack "Tickets for my show lo"
Friends stretch out hand "Give me give me!"
Jack "Oh you want to come? Cool! 25bucks please"
Friends pull back hands "Huh? Need money wan ah, not free ah? Den dun wan lo"

Scenario 4
Jack sent 50 over sms to invite friends to come for the show.
Not a single reply.
A few were actually smsing before and after the invitation sms, as if they don't see the invitation.

Sometimes I don't really blame the few that supported me, I know I do have like 2-4 shows per year and well just a simple reply telling me you cant come would really meant a lot to me already. I dun force people to come nor do I like. Not that I'm Lee Hom or whoever which tickets are selling hot even if they are charging 500bucks per ticket. Well its fine, maybe its just me... Maybe people around me really couldn't be bothered about Jack singing... Maybe they are frustrated becoz of my "singings" that affected my commitment in church... Well, to hell with that... Its fine! No point forcing people to watch me fulfilling my dreams if they didn't really cared to begin with.

Comparison of Worlds

I love being in the game world, the world in the games that I play seems to be awesomely better and less complicated than the one I'm living in. HOw nice it would be to just have a relaxing life, purposeful journey without complications along the way, great bondings with unconditional love. Best of all.. good ending is always at the end waiting for you. But no, I don't want them to end, everytime the game I play ends.. I'd hafta to face reality again, maybe that's the reason why I don't really like to end the games I play.

Reality Hurts

Very emo this year so far... not many ups.. but filled with downs... sienzzz... things are getting more and more depressing as time passes by. People around me pass away one after another, and healths are vulnerable. Reality is stupid at times, they are there just to make you feel life is more miserable than is already is. I hate reality!

Imperfection

Sometimes i really doubt my ability to sing. I always felt inferior amongst my fellow chamber mates. They are allso darn good, can side read instantly, have firm pitch and hearing and have really nice voice. The more I sing with them, the more I feel that my "good voice" is not that good after all... I totally lost all confidence singing along side them.. Joel rocks, I suck!

I suck I suck I suck!

Commitment Conflicts

Clashing! The more involved I find myself to be in choir, the more clashing times I find between choir and church commitments. And what am I to do? There's already a limited number of pianists in worship team yet I have a very spontaneous choir schedule that will require me to perform that weekend or extra last minute rehearsals and notified 2weeks prior.